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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26846092">Relief</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectingtofly/pseuds/expectingtofly'>expectingtofly</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel's grace is weakened, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sam is basically a relationship counselor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:34:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,143</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26846092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectingtofly/pseuds/expectingtofly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Dean, you can’t keep doing this,” Castiel said and, shit, how long had he been out? Were those tears in Castiel’s eyes? “You could’ve been killed.”</p><p>“I know.” He realized Castiel was clinging to his hand. “I’m sorry,” he added for appearances’ sake and squeezed Castiel’s hand. “I’m alright, though. I’ll live.”</p><p>Castiel’s eyes softened and Dean’s skin warmed at the look in his eyes. To be honest, Castiel staring at him always set his heart pounding, but there was something else in Castiel’s eyes now. A mixture of deep relief and something else—Dean hoped it wasn’t angelic fury directed at him for once again nearly getting himself killed. But before he could move, or speak to defend himself, Castiel leaned down and kissed him on the lips.</p><p>Dean froze, instantly too aware of everything—the cold, hard packed ground under him, Sam’s presence next to him, his hand still wrapped in Castiel’s.</p><p>Castiel pulled back. The soft look in his eyes was gone, replaced with embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” He trailed off, his eyes searching Dean’s face. </p><p>Dean could only stare up at him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Relief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Dean? Dean! Can you hear me?”</p><p>Dean slowly came to, his head pounding. Disoriented, he opened his eyes and saw only blurry shapes, blinked and realized Castiel and Sam were crowded above him.</p><p>“What—?” he tried to ask. </p><p>“Thank goodness,” Castiel breathed. He was clutching at Dean's face, his palms warm, and Dean felt his face redden at the attention. "You were out for so long—" Seeming to come to himself, he pulled his hands away from Dean's face.</p><p>Dean looked around, trying to get his bearings. Trees... nighttime... they had found a vampire nest, way more vampires than they had expected... </p><p>“Is it over, did we kill them?” Dean tried to sit up.</p><p>“Woah, take it easy, Dean.” Sam put a hand on his shoulder. “They’re all dead.”</p><p>Dean let his head drop back on the ground. “What happened?” </p><p>“You’re an idiot, is what happened,” Castiel answered fiercely. “You went after three vampires at once, we told you to wait for us—”</p><p>“Alright, alright,” Dean protested, trying to wave Castiel off. His hand felt too heavy and he let it drop at his side. It was coming back to him. Not the smartest choice he’d ever made, but it had turned out well enough—he was alive wasn’t he? He saw the worry in Sam and Castiel’s eyes and decided to keep that thought to himself.</p><p>“Dean, you can’t keep doing this,” Castiel said and, shit, how long had he been out? Were those tears in Castiel’s eyes? “You could’ve been killed.”</p><p>“I know.” He realized now Castiel was clinging to his hand. “I’m sorry,” he added for appearances’ sake and squeezed Castiel’s hand. “I’m alright, though. I’ll live.”</p><p>Castiel’s eyes softened and Dean’s skin warmed at the look in his eyes. To be honest, Castiel gazing at him always set his heart pounding, but there was something else in Castiel’s eyes now. A mixture of deep relief and something else—Dean hoped it wasn’t angelic fury directed at him for once again nearly getting himself killed. But before he could move, or speak to defend himself, Castiel leaned down and kissed him on the lips.</p><p>Dean froze, instantly too aware of everything—the cold, hard packed ground under him, Sam’s presence next to him, his hand still wrapped in Castiel’s.</p><p>Then, just as quickly as he’d kissed him, Castiel pulled back. The soft look in his eyes was gone, replaced with embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” He trailed off, his eyes searching Dean’s face. </p><p>Dean could only stare up at him. <em> He finally kissed me. He kissed me? What the hell? </em></p><p>Castiel pulled his hand from Dean’s, and Dean blinked, startled out of his dazed thoughts. His heart sank when Castiel dropped his eyes to the ground.</p><p>Sam cleared his throat. “Um, alright,” he said. “Come on, Cas, help me get him up. He’s still out of it.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Dean said, pulling his eyes from Castiel and forcing himself to speak. “I can get up on my own.” Sam wouldn't hear any of it, already grabbing his arm to help him to his feet. The forest tipped wildly when he was upright, and Sam wrapped an arm around his waist to support him. They walked back to the main road slowly, Castiel following behind. He reached out once to touch Dean's arm, then dropped his hand. Dean couldn’t look at him.</p><p>“Backseat,” Sam said when they reached the Impala and Dean didn’t try to argue. He lay on the backseat and stared at Baby’s roof, trying to piece together what the hell had just happened. Was he still unconscious? Was he dreaming? But it had felt too real. He shut his eyes against the slow rocking of the car as Sam pulled onto the road.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Sam,” he heard Castiel say quietly in the front seat. “I shouldn’t have done it.”</p><p>“Don’t worry, Cas. It’s fine. He’ll come to his senses in a bit.”</p><p>“He’s angry with me."</p><p><em>I’m not, </em>Dean thought. </p><p>“No, he’s not,” Sam answered, as if he’d heard Dean’s thoughts. “He’s just… confused.” </p><p><em> Confused? </em>Dean thought harshly. Alright, maybe confused. Confused because he’d never dared to hope that Castiel liked him like that. Confused as to why he hadn’t been able to kiss him back.</p><p> </p><p>When they reached the bunker, Dean insisted he could walk on his own, but Sam hovered nearby him anyway all the way to his room.</p><p>“I got it,” he said, pushing open Dean’s bedroom door before Dean could. Dean gave him a dirty look, but truth was, his brain felt like it was rattling around in his skull. </p><p>He sunk onto his bed and nodded at Sam. “I’m good.”</p><p>“Okay, um, get some rest.” Sam hesitated in the doorway and Dean stared at the floor. “Listen, about Cas—”</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.” He raised his head to look at Sam, daring him to say more.</p><p>Sam seemed to fight for words, but he only said, “Fine. But you’re gonna have to talk to him about it.”</p><p>He shut the door and Dean swore inwardly. Like hell he would. </p><p>Too tired to even kick off his boots, he lay back on the covers and stared at the ceiling. It was too much to think about. </p><p> </p><p>He woke to his bedroom door creaking open. Opening his eyes, he looked up to see Castiel peeking inside. </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Castiel stepped into the room. “Did I wake you?”</p><p>“No. Yeah. It’s fine.” Dean sat up slowly. Any dizziness had been replaced with a harsh pounding in his temple.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”</p><p>“I’ve been better.” </p><p>“I can help—” Castiel reached out two fingers and Dean shook his head, a movement he quickly regretted. </p><p>“Save your grace,” he managed. “I’m good.”</p><p>Castiel dropped his hand. Dean pressed the base of his palms to his eyes, trying to ignore the way his heart was racing now that Castiel was in his room. <em> Man up, </em> he told himself and looked at Castiel. He hadn’t turned off the light before falling asleep and it seemed too harsh now, making him squint. Castiel snapped his fingers and the room went dark. </p><p>“Thanks,” Dean said, the darkness easing the pounding behind his eyes.</p><p>Castiel nodded. It was easier to look at him now in the soft yellow light from the hallway, his face shaded in shadows. There was still blood on his trench coat. He was fiddling with his sleeves, a nervous, unfamiliar action. “Dean, I—”</p><p>“Did Sam call the police chief?” Dean interrupted. “Tell him about the bodies we found at the vamp nest?”</p><p>“Yes, he did.”</p><p>“That has to be one of the biggest nests I’ve seen in years.” He was rambling, hoping to stave off whatever apology or explanation Castiel was preparing to give.</p><p>“You should’ve been more careful,” Castiel admonished. Dean sighed in relief. This, he could handle. Bickering. “My grace isn’t as strong as it once was, I can’t even heal you fully now—”</p><p>“You don’t have to worry about me, Cas. I’m not your responsibility.”</p><p>The words sounded too harsh even as he spoke them. Castiel looked at the floor and Dean started to hate himself for always saying and doing the wrong things. </p><p>But when Castiel spoke, his voice was soft. “You once were, when I rescued you from hell.”</p><p>“That was a long time ago.”</p><p>“I still… care about you.”</p><p>Dean froze. Castiel took a step closer to him and his skin thrummed at the memory of the sensation of Castiel’s lips on his.</p><p>He crossed his arms. “Yeah, I know. We’re family, we have to care about each other.” He forced a laugh. “Bet you wish you’d never gotten involved with the Winchesters.”</p><p>“That’s not true,” Castiel replied. He opened his mouth to say more and Dean said,</p><p>“I’m tired, Cas.” He looked up at him and hoped Castiel understood. <em> I don’t know what this means, I don’t know what to do. </em></p><p>Castiel’s shoulders slumped, but he only nodded and turned to leave. At the doorway he paused, and Dean’s heart sped up, then Castiel left and shut the door behind him.</p><p>For the second time that day, Dean stared at the ceiling and felt miserable.</p><p>He could walk into a vampire nest and never flinch, but let one angel kiss him and he went into shock. He wasn’t angry that Castiel kissed him—in reality, he’d imagined it plenty. Came so close as to wish it would happen. But he never thought he’d be so lucky. Didn’t dare believe Castiel felt the same way towards him—even if Sam always was telling him to get his head out of his ass and look at the signs. </p><p><em> How long have you felt this way? </em> he wanted to ask Castiel. <em> Did it happen when you walked into that barn, the first time I saw your face? </em> He knew that’s when it had happened for him—he’d stared into two gorgeous, blue eyes and had known he was irrevocably screwed. </p><p>Why hadn’t he ever taken the plunge and admitted his true feelings to Castiel? Maybe because he was more of a coward than he wanted to admit. Maybe because he was scared Castiel would reject him. Maybe because he was scared Castiel<em> wouldn’t </em> reject him. Because if for once he got to be happy, then what? He knew well enough what it meant to love someone in the life he led. How every evil force in the world tried to use the people he loved against him.</p><p>Sam was the one person that Dean would throw the world away for—and it was only right, Sam was his younger brother, Dean had to take care of him. But he couldn’t afford to love someone else that much. So many times he had lost Castiel, and he’d never known how to bear it. If he couldn’t do it when he called Castiel a friend, how could he ever bear to lose him if they had something more?</p><p> </p><p>By the next day he was back in fighting shape, or at least that’s what he told Sam to convince him he could drive. Castiel was gone; Sam said he had angel business to attend to. Dean thought that was for the better. He spent several hours driving Baby aimlessly, focusing on the lines of the road and not at all the memory of Castiel kissing him, or the disappointment in his eyes when Dean didn’t kiss him back.</p><p>It wasn’t a great distraction, but it was better than staying in the bunker where Sam eyed him constantly and Dean grew tense, afraid Castiel would return without warning.</p><p>“Alright, this has gone on long enough,” Sam said a week later when Dean stood up from the map table, announcing he was going for yet another drive.</p><p>Dean paused, half out of his seat. “What?”</p><p>Sam gestured to him. “You, moping around.”</p><p>“I’m not moping,” Dean protested.</p><p>“I thought you liked Cas. Like, really liked him.” </p><p>Of course Sam would get straight to the point. Dean sat back down and shrugged. </p><p>“Cut the bullshit, Dean. What’s going on?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Dean threw up his hands. “Ask Cas. He’s the one who started this whole fucking mess.”</p><p>“You know, I really thought that you two were finally gonna put a stop to all the pining and staring and longing—”</p><p>“Okay, shut up,” Dean said. “It isn’t like that.”</p><p>“Then what the hell happened?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Sam watched him and Dean huffed. “I don’t know. I, I panicked.”</p><p>“You hurt his feelings. You wouldn’t even talk to him after.”</p><p>“It’s better this way. Less feelings involved, less chances of people getting hurt.”</p><p>“You really think it works that way?” Sam leaned forward. “Dean, whether you own up to it and tell Cas or not, you’re still in love with him.”</p><p><em> Love? </em>Dean started to protest again, but Sam cut him off. “Stop torturing yourself, Dean. You finally have something good coming your way and you won’t take it. This life we live… you never know what’s gonna happen. When our luck’s gonna run out. You gotta take any chance you get, right?” </p><p>It seemed Castiel felt that way. He’d taken a big chance. And yeah, Dean felt miserable for crushing his dreams. For crushing his own dreams. But it had to be done.</p><p>“That’s the point,” Dean said. Pushing back his chair, he stood. “I might die tomorrow, Cas might die tomorrow. Better for us both if we don’t get too attached.” He walked away before Sam could try and argue with him further. </p><p> </p><p>Two more weeks passed before he saw Castiel again. Despite everything, he couldn’t deny the relief he felt at the familiar whoosh of wings when Castiel appeared in the bunker’s garage, startling him and Sam as they prepared to go after a werewolf pack. It seemed like years since he saw him last. </p><p>Castiel wavered a little and put a hand on the Impala to steady himself. “You alright?” Sam asked.</p><p>Castiel nodded. “I’m afraid flying takes a lot out of me.” He glanced at Dean, and Dean quickly looked away. He listened to Castiel update Sam on the angels, though the blood pounding in his ears made it hard to hear. He hadn’t realized it’d be so hard to see Castiel again. Everything in him told him to fix things between them. But how? If he was lucky, with enough time, they could go back to how things used to be. Not that things had ever been simple between them. </p><p>Sam explained to Castiel where they were going and Dean tuned back into their conversation. </p><p>“I’ll come with you,” Castiel offered, still not looking at Dean.</p><p>“Then what are we waiting for?” Dean slammed the trunk shut. “Let’s go.”</p><p> </p><p>For once, Dean was happy to see a pack of werewolves because it meant he could focus on the fight and not Castiel’s presence by his side. He lost himself in felling the werewolves and only when the last one crashed to the ground did he register sounds of struggle behind him. Whipping around, he saw Castiel across the room fighting off two werewolves. At any other time, it would’ve been no contest, but Castiel seemed dazed and weakened. He fell to the ground and one werewolf leapt at him.</p><p>“Cas!” Dean yelled and started running. The other werewolf turned and snarled at him. Dean shot her in the heart, bringing her to the ground. Grabbing the werewolf crouched over Castiel, he threw him aside and shot him. </p><p>“Fuck, Cas,” he swore, turning back to him. “You stupid—” His words caught in his throat.</p><p>Castiel lay sprawled on the ground, his eyes shut and his waist covered in blood. "No, no, no." Dean dropped down next to him. Castiel’s head lolled to the side and Dean grabbed his face. “No, come on, Cas, wake up, please!”</p><p>“What happened?” Sam yelled, running over and skidding to a stop.</p><p>“One of them got him, he couldn’t fight them off.” Dean pushed Castiel’s trench coat aside to reveal a deep gash on his stomach. “I tried to get to him—”</p><p>“He’ll be okay, Dean, he still has his grace.” Sam’s words rang meaningless in his ears as Dean stared at Castiel’s waxen face. <em> No, not like this, not now. </em></p><p>Blood continued to pour from Castiel’s wound, snapping him out of his stunned daze. He put pressure on the wound, trying to stop the bleeding, his stomach turning. “Please, Cas,” he begged. His words turned into a prayer, repeated over and over in his head almost unconsciously. <em> Please, I love you, please. </em></p><p>Then Castiel’s eyes opened.</p><p>Dean could’ve cried from relief. He swore instead, sitting back, his hands shaking. </p><p>“Hold on, Cas,” Sam said, stopping him before he could move. "You're hurt." Castiel looked down at his side. Feebly, he lifted his hand over his wound and healed himself. Dean watched the gash knit itself together, leaving behind bloody smears. </p><p>Dropping his hand, Castiel let Sam help him sit up. He looked around at the dead werewolves, and Dean tried to catch his breath.</p><p>“Cas, you son of a bitch, you should’ve told us, about your grace—” His voice shook and he cut himself off.</p><p>Castiel looked at him, then dropped his eyes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was so weak, I thought I could—”</p><p>Suddenly, Dean didn’t care about any explanation. Reaching out, he grabbed Castiel and clutched him close to his chest. He buried his face in Castiel’s shoulder, gripping his trench coat, and tried to focus on the fact that Castiel was breathing, that he was alive, that he hadn’t lost him.</p><p>He felt Castiel’s hand rest hesitantly on his back. He clenched his eyes shut. </p><p>Sam had been right. Whether he told Castiel or not, Dean was in love with him. He could either refuse to let himself feel that way—he’d tried for so many years—or finally own up to it and tell Castiel, and maybe even find out his feelings were reciprocated.</p><p>Either way, he cared about Castiel, and either way it would hurt like hell if he ever lost him. There was no escaping it.</p><p>Consequences be damned, he let go of Castiel enough to pull back and look in his eyes. Then he kissed him. For one heart-stopping moment, he feared Castiel would push him away, or simply freeze like he had done before. He’d deserve it. But then Castiel kissed him back, gripping his shoulder and Dean felt dizzy with relief.</p><p>When they pulled away, he searched Castiel’s face. He hated how guarded Castiel's eyes were, as if Castiel was afraid of what he would do now. Berate him, act as if this never happened. </p><p>“We have a lot to talk about,” he said. Castiel nodded, his eyes serious. “I’m sorry,” Dean said, and he meant it. </p><p>Castiel touched his face. “You should be.”</p><p>Dean let out a laugh and took Castiel’s hand in his own. “Yeah, I know.” He gazed at Castiel and the next words came easily. “I love you.”</p><p>Castiel’s face brightened, a smile spreading across his face. “I love you too,” he said.</p><p>“Fucking finally,” Sam muttered. Dean flipped him off, even though he was right, and helped Castiel stand. </p><p>“No more almost dying, alright?” he asked. His heart was still thudding in his chest.</p><p>Castiel still clung onto his hand. “I’ll only promise if you do too.” </p><p>“I’ll do my best.”</p><p>Castiel nodded, and Dean knew that they both knew they had no control over any of it, whether they lived or died. But for now, Castiel was alive and holding onto his hand, and Dean had finally said I love you, had heard the words repeated to him. He was certain of that much, and it was enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading &lt;3 comments are always appreciated and you can check out my tumblr <a href="https://expectingtofly.tumblr.com/">here</a> :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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